Maybe it's the fact that I feel pretty raw and unwanted at the moment, but it just reiterated to me how I don't fit in here in Northern Indiana either. The only people who have ever accepted me for who I am all seem to live in Indy. John comforts me and says he accepts me for who I am no matter what, but that's not true. There have always been aspects of me that he won't accept, characteristics that he loudly trash-talks, criticizes and ridicules, knowing they are mine as well but not respecting because he doesn't agree with them. It's very similar to what Dad does, just on the opposite end of things.
Too liberal, too democratic, too religious, not religious enough, not Christian enough, too gay, too straight, too outspoken, too intimidated, too independant, too weak, too country girl, too city girl, too, small-towned, too sheltered, too accepting, too settled, too irrational, too flippant, too passive, too emotional, too detached, too traditional, too scared, too 'other.'
So what are these? These are all me. And no matter what, I am not enough. I'm not even sure why I care; too attached, I guess. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm already filling out a list of things I regret. I regret not moving forward with the adoption and becoming a mother. I regret staying in the same job for over a decade when I don't like it but feel like I can't afford to move on, I regret not being more brave and going after my dreams but at the same time if I do that, I will be soley responsible for tearing our household apart and putting even more financial and emotional strain on our marriage because John won't ever go with me.
I am stuck. I am drowning. I don't know where I belong, but I know it's not where I've come from and it's not here. How do I get there? And will I even bother or am I just too scared?