Amanda (bttrflywriter) wrote,
Amanda
bttrflywriter

  • Mood:

I am not enough.

I went down home for Father's day, filled with love for my family.  We did the things we always do on our Father/Daughter dates; breakast, cafe, bookstore, movies, etc.  And this weekend just showed me how much I don't belong with the people dearest to me anymore.  I no longer fit in there; not just the area, but with my family, my parents, my childhood home.  I came back verbally beaten down.  Dad again threw out the comments about how I "hooked up with that boy and then got weird," how he "went wrong somewhere" because I think for myself, how I'm "a foreigner from a foreign country" (and 'foreigner' is an insult to my dad).  Against both of my parents and my sister I had to defend my right to NOT carry a gun, I had to stand up to homophobic comments and jokes, I had to shut down racist and anti-feminist topics.  I'm drained and exhausted, and I was only there for 26 hours, including the five I was asleep.

Maybe it's the fact that I feel pretty raw and unwanted at the moment, but it just reiterated to me how I don't fit in here in Northern Indiana either.  The only people who have ever accepted me for who I am all seem to live in Indy.  John comforts me and says he accepts me for who I am no matter what, but that's not true.  There have always been aspects of me that he won't accept, characteristics that he loudly trash-talks, criticizes and ridicules, knowing they are mine as well but not respecting because he doesn't agree with them.  It's very similar to what Dad does, just on the opposite end of things.

Too liberal, too democratic, too religious, not religious enough, not Christian enough, too gay, too straight, too outspoken, too intimidated, too independant, too weak, too country girl, too city girl, too, small-towned, too sheltered, too accepting, too settled, too irrational, too flippant, too passive, too emotional, too detached, too traditional, too scared, too 'other.'

So what are these?  These are all me.  And no matter what, I am not enough.  I'm not even sure why I care; too attached, I guess. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm already filling out a list of things I regret.  I regret not moving forward with the adoption and becoming a mother. I regret staying in the same job for over a decade when I don't like it but feel like I can't afford to move on, I regret not being more brave and going after my dreams but at the same time if I do that, I will be soley responsible for tearing our household apart and putting even more financial and emotional strain on our marriage because John won't ever go with me.

I am stuck.  I am drowning.  I don't know where I belong, but I know it's not where I've come from and it's not here.  How do I get there?  And will I even bother or am I just too scared?
Tags: family, parents, seventh chevron, the ups and downs, words of woe
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